Models of Grief

Grief is often unpredictable, but researchers have identified patterns in how people experience loss. These models can help us understand the grieving process and what you might be feeling.

Five Phases of Grief (Kübler-Ross)
These so called stages were actually suggested as phases as they don’t always happen in order and some people move back and forth between them. People like to say they are unhelpful but I still find her work useful as the main points she was making, ring true. Also, she then wrote another book, as she was dying, and she had even greater insight into the processes…

So, the phases are:

• Denial – “This can’t be happening.”
• Anger – “Why did this happen? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining – “If only I had done something differently.”
• Depression – Deep sadness and withdrawal.
• Acceptance – Coming to terms with the loss.

Four Tasks of Mourning (Worden)
– and there is even a Fifth Task now, too (as part of his updated model)

Rather than moving through stages, Worden suggests that grieving involves tasks:

1. Accept the reality of the loss – Acknowledging that the person or situation is truly gone.
2. Work through the pain – Allowing yourself to feel and process emotions.
3. Adjust to life without them – Finding new routines, roles, or sources of support.
4. Maintain a connection while moving forward – Finding meaningful ways to remember the person while continuing to live your life.

Styles of Grieving (Martin & Doka)
In their book “Grieving Beyond Gender”, they described two very different ways people grieve and that this can cause some challenges as it can be hard for us to see each way as being equally important – and that there is no “right way” to grieve.

In the past, there was an expectation that women would react in a particular way and that men would react in a different way. They proposed that these two styles better explained the behaviours and the processes behind them:

• Instrumental grievers focus on problem-solving and practical adjustments, often keeping their emotions private. If you have heard someone say “well there is nothing I can do about it, so there is no point crying” then you may have spoken to an instrumental griever; or someone currently in that style or mode of grieving. In order to make sense of what is going on, they need something to focus on, such as a project (or starting a foundation!).
• Intuitive grievers express their feelings openly, needing to talk, reflect and connect with others. They tend to be quick to cry or break down and want very much for others to join with them. It can be really helpful to know that not all people grieve in this way.

  
  So if someone isn’t crying with you, it does not necessarily mean they need to be made to feel their grief and must be crying to be grieving. This sounds obvious but it is natural to worry about those you love and to want to make sure they are going OK in their grief, as well. It just can be reassuring to know how they grieve can look very different from what feels right to you (whether you are sitting alone in a shed or crying in a group – or a combination – these are all equally valid ways to grieve).

• Many people have a mix of both styles, shifting between emotional and practical responses.